She
by Lady Sorcha
Summary: Fenris comes to terms with the knowledge that he's lost Hawke. Sit between the 2 and 3 parts of the game. This won't be a series, but I do plan to add a few other oneshots to this. Some will be from Anders perspective. Maybe a few from Hawke's perspective. Main title from the song She- Elvis Costello.
1. Goodbye

"Fenris wait up."

Hawke. I stop and look around. She's heading towards me holding the Abomination's hand with Varric on her other side. I bite back a growl.

When she nears me she lets go of his hand. He sighs and glares at me.

"You don't need to hide that from me. It won't hurt my feelings that you've moved on after what two years. I'd say it's about time."

She narrows her eyes at me and they spark dangerously. I wonder how far I can push her before she sends me away. It would make my life easier. No more drama, no more Mages, no more of her trying to save everybody, no more Hawke… Oh who am I kidding? I want her to send me away, because I can't make myself go.

"Fine from now on I won't hide my affections." She stands there her hands on her hips.

I don't say anything.

She shrugs. "We're going to the Bone Pit. I want to make sure the Miners are all right. I don't trust Hubert. I want to see what they need so I can buy it for them myself. If I give Hubert the money he'll spend it all on wine and women."

"If you were going to feel guilty about it why did you take the money he offered you in the first place?"

"I needed the money for the expedition. I needed to help my family. The Miners have families too… Now I'm in a position where I can help them."

"Why didn't you check on them sooner then?" If I keep pushing eventually she'll send me away. Her kindness towards me can't last forever not after I left her.

She sighs. "Look I don't want to argue. I wanted to ask if you'd come with us. Last time we went there was a giant dragon there. If there's going to be a repeat of that then I'm going to need a Warrior."

My heart leaps. She still needs me. No. Why doesn't she hate me? Why does she let me stay?

"Fine." I force myself to snap it out.

She rolls her eyes. "Ready?"

I nod and she walks back towards the Abomination. She takes his hand and starts off. He says something and she laughs. Varric and I follow them.

He looks at me out of the corner of his eye. "Glutton for punishment?"

"Not now Dwarf."

* * *

We've been at the Bone Pit for hours. She's determined to talk to every single one of the Miners, checking to see if they need anything for the Mines or if their families need anything. I look up at the rapidly darkening sky. At this rate we'll end up spending the night at the camp.

She always tries to help everyone. She even helps the Abomination in his clinic even though she's not a Mage. She's so…good. Caring. How does she do it? Why does she do it?

Even me. She's still trying to help me find out information about my Sister. I shake my head and can't stop a small smile from playing across my lips. She's incredible.

The Miners ply us with stew and ale. We're all sitting on logs around a fire when a little girl comes up beside her. She stares at Hawke with big eyes and tugs on her sleeve.

Hawke looks at her and smiles. "What is it sweetie?"

"Did you really kill a dragon in the mine?" The child asks in an awed voice.

She bites her lip to keep from laughing at her awestruck expression. "I did with the help of my friends here. What's your name?"

"Rosie."

"Well Rosie would you like to hear the story?"

Rosie nods furiously and sits down at her feet starting at her with enraptured eyes.

"Varric care to help me?"

"I thought you'd forgotten I was here and were going to do the honors without me."

She laughs. "Perish the thought."

* * *

They tell the story with a few added embellishments courtesy of Varric. The entire camp has surrounded them, all eager to hear the story. After a bit she sits down next to the Abomination again taking his hand. Letting Varric finish up, knowing this is his element. He's probably thrilled to get a new audience. Most of the regulars at the Hanged Man have heard most of his stories.

When he finishes the crowd starts to disperse, all except for Rosie. She's standing in front of Hawke again.

"When I grow up I'm going to be just like you."

Hawke beams at her. "Well I'll have to come visit you again to see how you're doing."

"Really?"

Hawke nods. Rosie squeals and throws her arms around her neck. Hawke's mouth forms into a small Oh of surprise. She hugs her back with a smile on her face.

"Come meet my Papa and Mama." She tugs on Hawke's hand. Hawke stands up and Rosie leads her across the camp by the hand.

She comes back in a few minutes and kneels in front of the Abomination. Her elbows resting on his knees. "I want one."

I stop breathing and I stare at them. Unable to tear my eyes away from them.

He blinks at her then smiles. "Me too."

They lean in to kiss, but are interrupted as one of the Miners comes over with extra bedrolls in his arms. Hawke stands up and thanks him.

* * *

She shivers and moves closer to the fire. He comes up behind her and drapes his feathered pauldron around her shoulders. She smiles up at him and takes his hand. She holds it to her cheek and gazes at him. Love in her eyes. He leans down and kisses her nose, causing her to blush. He laughs and sits down beside her. He wraps an arm around her. She leans into him and rests her head on his shoulder.

I feel like I've been punched in the chest. I fight to breathe even as my heart feels like it's being ripped from my chest.

I know they're together. That they're living together. I've just never seen them like this. Looking at each other with tenderness. Love. She seems so at ease around him. Simply melting against him. Her eyes hazy with comfort and desire. She whispers something in his ear and he turns to her. Leaning his forehead against hers.

I turn away. I don't think I could stand to see his lips on hers.

Not when the memory of her lips on mine still lingers in my mind. The feel of her body. Her hair tickling my skin. Her face when I left. Tears falling and pain in her eyes. Curled in the middle of her bed. Her hand holding my arm. I shook it off and left. Her teary voice calling for me. It followed me all the way home. It lingered for days. I didn't sleep. Every time I closed my eyes I saw her face like the image was etched onto my eyelids.

Her red eyes and swollen face the next day. Her fragile attempts to smile and make jokes. The glares everyone threw my way. I shrugged them off, pretending indifference. Knowing I could never be with her. Not after the memories rushed into my mind and for one blissful minute I remembered everything. Laughter, love, family, joy, even pain. Then just as quickly it was ripped away from me again. Reopening old wounds that I thought had healed, but really they had just scabbed over. They started to bleed.

She was offering me everything I lost. Everything I wanted. I couldn't risk it. Losing everything again. Losing her. To really feel again. Happiness. Smiles. Love. Yet here I am losing everything. Except this time I know it's my fault. She waited two years for me to come back.

I look back. My eyes drawn to her like a moth to a flame. Their lips meeting. Her arms twined around his neck. One of his hands resting on the small of her back, the other wrapped in her hair.

My heart shatters.

Perhaps it's fitting. I broke her heart now mine is breaking.

Varric comes and stands beside me. He looks at me with a hint of pity in his eyes. "I'd tell you that you brought this on yourself, but you seem to know that."

I snarl, but he's right. I've told myself this enough times.

"Personally I'm surprised you're taking it so well. I figured you would have already crushed Blondie's heart. Though that would in effect crush Hawke's. Then I'd have to kill you for doing that to her twice. Well…that is if she didn't get to you first."

I sigh and slouch down lower. Trying to keep my eyes off them, but my eyes are as ever drawn back to her. Now he's holding her in his lap. Whatever he's saying makes her giggle. I jerk my eyes away and look at the ground. I took her heart. She gave me her heart and I threw it back, worse for wear. Who am I to hurt her like that? To hurt the one person who truly cared about me and tried to help me. Who still tries to help me even after everything I did. Everything I'm still doing. My constant halfhearted attempts to get her to push me away.

I want to help her too. I owe her at least that. I'll keep my vow to repay her for all her help. I want…need to protect her. To know she'll be ok. "You don't have to worry. As long as he makes her happy I'll leave him alone. I took her smile and he gave it back."

I stand and walk away leaving a stunned Dwarf standing behind me. On any other day I'd take pleasure in finally shocking the Dwarf. I'd relish in the small victory. Just not today. Not when I know I've finally lost her for good.

Two years she waited. Two years she came to me. Two years she tried. Two years she sought me out. Two years she refused his advances. Two years the light was gone from her eyes. Two years the smile was stripped from her face. Two years she offered herself to me. Two years I ran.

Now she no longer seeks me out. She goes to him. The light is back. The smile is back. I'll never have her again.

Now it's too late.

I have to let her go.

I have to let her live her life.

I have to try to be her friend.

I have to stay by her side.

I have to make sure no one does what I did.

I have to say goodbye.

* * *

**Title from the song Goodbye- Avril Lavigne.**


	2. Shattered

We're back in Kirkwall. The Abomination has his arm wrapped around her waist. She's walking so close to him that with each step her hip slides against his. My hands are clenched and I can feel my nails digging into my palms. I feel warmth and look down to see bleeding crescent shaped indentions in my palms.

We stop to say goodbye to Varric before we head back to Hightown. I keep my hands close to my sides so no one see the blood. She'll either insist that he heal me or want to bandage my hands. If she touches me now I'll break.

"Thanks for coming guys. Too bad there wasn't another dragon. It would have provided you with another story Varric."

Everyone laughs but me. I stare at the Abomination's hand. It's resting possessively on her hip, holding her close to him.

"Drinks at the Hanged Man? Or perhaps the love birds would rather go home."

Hawke smiles and gives a little wave. "Bye guys."

They walk off. She shrieks when he sweeps her into his arms. She leans forward and kisses him. They're completely oblivious to the stares they're getting. He carries her off. I stare after them. I'd never do something like that. Maybe she is better off with the Abomination, who's not embarrassed…or afraid to so openly display his feelings. He romances her.

But, he's still an Abomination and I can't help thinking he'll turn on her one day. When that day comes I'll be there. I hurt her. I can't take it back, but I can be there if…when he does the same.

"Come on Broody, I'll buy you a drink."

I shrug and follow him to the Hanged Man.

* * *

I don't know what they give me to drink. I don't ask. I don't care. I just drink it reveling in the burn as it runs down my throat. I drink everything they put in front of me.

I lift the next one and Isabela's hand shoots out, grabbing my arm. "I think you've had enough."

I squint at her to focus my vision. Somewhere in the back of my head a little voice is telling me to stop. If Isabelas concerned I must be pretty far gone. That part is drowned out by the agony coursing through me. My thoughts are still too coherent.

I grimace as the drink is replaced with a mug of coffee. I swallow it anyways. Then I leave, weaving a bit. Waving off their protests I step into the cool night air.

I slowly make my way towards the mansion, but when I pass by Hawke's house I stop. I look up at her bedroom window. The window slightly open and light burning in the darkness like a beacon.

Before I give it any conscious thought I'm climbing the trellis outside her window. Mentally chiding myself. Fool. Pervert. Pathetic. Desperate. I keep climbing until I reach the ledge outside the window. I pull back as far as I can into the shadows. Leaning against the wall and peering into the window.

I give my eyes time to adjust to the sudden light. I scan the room and gasp. She's bathing, reclined back in the tub. Humming a tune I don't recognize. Water beads on her skin and drips down her breasts. Her long red hair wet, the water making it more wavy than normal. Pale skin flushed from the heat. It makes the light smattering of freckles across her cheeks and nose more prominent.

It takes everything I have not to crawl through the window. To go to her and take her in my arms. To pull her slick body against mine. To hold her in my arms as she shivers when the cool night air dances across her flesh. To kiss those lips. To feel her arms around me again.

I squirm as my armor becomes a bit tight.

She stops humming and a small smile forms on her lips. For a second I think she's smiling at me. My heart soars. Then she looks towards the door. The smile turning sultry, I know the smile is for him.

"Love?"

"In the…in our room."

She leans farther back in the tub. Raising her knee and leaning her leg against the edge of the tub. She stretches out her other leg, rests her foot on the rim.

I hear the door open and close.

"What do you think of…" He trails off as he sees her. A sudden intake of breath and the papers in his hand fall to the ground.

His appearance a mark of his place in the house. Barefoot, a pair of breeches, and a loose fitting tunic.

She rests her arms on the rim, bringing her breasts into view.

"Hi," she breathes.

He walks to her and bends down to take her leg. Raising it up he kisses her ankle.

"Would you care to join me in our bed?" He asks between kisses.

She shivers. "But I'll be cold." A playful pout on her lips.

He runs his hand down to her inner thigh. Fingers dancing across her skin. "Don't worry love. I'll warm you up."

She holds up her hand and he takes it. He pulls her up and grabs the towel from the table behind her. He wraps it around her, before lifting her into his arms. He slowly walks over to the bed and gently lays her down. He takes the towel and gently starts drying her shivering body. She watches him through half closed eyes, making small noises of contentment.

He watches her…touches her with tenderness and a look of almost reverence.

He moves behind her and she sits up. He dries her hair and she leans back against him. He throws the towel. It lands on the floor with a wet thump. He kisses her throat. She slides one of her hands into his hair. Her breaths become more rapid as his hand slowly trails down her body. He rests his hand on her inner thigh, fingers brushing against the soft curls there.

"Yes," she moans as she buries her face in his neck.

He slips a finger inside her. She bucks against his hand and he smiles. He slips another finger in.

She gasps, "Anders."

He lays her down on the bed and drops down between her legs.

I feel sick. Angry. Hurt. Confused. This is my own doing. I shouldn't feel this way.

I should go. But I can't. I tell myself if I move now they'll see me. But I know it's an excuse…

I need to see this for myself. Last night wasn't enough. I need to hear the words.

I watch my eyes locked on them. Unable to look away. I hold my breath. My hand gripping the ledge. I feel it slice into my hand, but I don't let it go. This will keep me grounded.

She thrashes and moans. Her hips arch off the bed. One hand fists in his hair. He keeps his eyes on her, watching her. He slows his movements and she whimpers. Then he speeds back up and she throws her head back, calling his name. Her free hand reaches to him, blindly seeking. He takes her hand and kisses it, before dipping back down.

Fresh pain claws its way through me. Such tenderness in the middle of passion. I can't give her that. Each moment I witness between them is like a slap in the face. Each moment reassuring me that she's gone from me.

She chants his name as she finds her release. I watch the tremors travel through her body. She pulls at him and he moves up covering her. She kisses him and clings to him as the last of the tremors subside.

Then she wraps a leg around him flipping them over, so she's straddling him.

Her voice is drenched in desire as she says, "I think you're wearing far too much clothing."

"Hmmm," he murmurs reaching up to wrap an arm around her waist. He sits up and kisses her. She pulls his tunic over his head and throws it behind her to join the towel on the floor.

She plants a kiss on his chest and squirms in his lap. "Now there's just one thing keeping me from what I want." Her deft fingers move between them to undo the laces of his breeches.

Her hand slips inside his breeches and he groans. She raises herself up just enough so that they can slip them off. Then she presses herself into him and he lays back. His arms lock around her, pulling her with him. She trails kisses along his chest and moves down to kneel between his legs.

He takes her hand. "No love. I want…need to be inside you," he says with a strained voice.

She moves back up to straddle him. His hands rest on her hips. They both moan as she slides down to take him in. She braces her hands on his shoulders for balance as she begins to rock. Slowly at first, but gradually increasing the tempo. His hands slip around to grab her backside, nails digging into her soft flesh. She leans forward to kiss him. He moves a hand to fondle her breast and moves slightly so he can suckle the other one.

She gasps, "Close."

He rolls her over and her legs lock around his waist. His thrusts are hard, driving her into the mattress. Her cries grow louder. Her nails scrabble for purchase on his back, leaving scratches. His rhythm grows more frantic. She finds her release, head thrown back crying his name. He loses all control then and his movements become frenzied, then he's crying out her name.

He hovers above her as they both tremble, riding out the waves. Then he pulls out and drops next to her. He pulls her to him and she snuggles into his chest.

They lay there for a few minutes, dazed smiles on their faces. Then she leans over him reaching for a jar on the nightstand. The herbs she told me would prevent a pregnancy. He stops her with a hand on her wrist.

She raises an eyebrow at him. "What?"

"Don't take them."

Her eyes widen and her mouth opens. She stares at him trying to find words.

I struggle to breathe as I wait for a response.

"I was serious at the mining camp. Weren't you?" He takes her hand.

She blushes and nods. "What about everything that's going on though. The Mages and Templars are at each other's throats. It's all so uncertain. Should we really bring a baby into it?" She looks at him. Her voice is steady, but her eyes are filled with longing.

"This baby…our baby would be born out of love. Love between a Mage and a Rogue. She or he would provide hope that even in the darkest of times good things, wonderful things still happen."

She smiles at him and kisses his hand. She picks up the jar and throws it across the room. It shatters against the wall.

Then she's back in his arms whispering with a quavering voice, "I love you."

"I love you too, always," he says with a voice filled with such sincerity that it's like a knife to my gut.

I move away and slowly descend the trellis. I make my way home, blind to my surroundings. It was clear before that I had lost her for good, but now… The knowledge is ever present.

She has no need for me anymore.

I'm like that jar, unneeded.

Knowing I brought it on myself makes it worse.

I finally had something good, but I shattered it.

I shattered her.

I'm shattered.

But I can't leave her.

Shattered like that jar.

* * *

**Title from the song "Shattered" by O.A.R.**


	3. Trampoline

She whimpers in her sleep. Twisting and turning her body tangling in the covers. She rolls into me and wraps herself around me. Her fingers dig into my back, almost hard enough to draw blood.

"Don't leave," she whispers.

I wrap my arms around her and watch as her tight expression softens. She loosens her grip and snuggles into my chest. I hold her close and kiss the top of her head.

I know she's dreaming of him again. Dreaming of when he left. It pains me that she still thinks of him. I wonder if she'd still be with him if he hadn't been so stupid.

I try to hate him for the hurt he caused her, but it's hard to hate him completely. He led her to me.

What if are irrelevant, because she's here in my arms now. That's what matters.

"Never," I whisper back knowing she can't hear me.

I'll never leave her like he did. I can't leave her. I can't break her like he did. It would destroy me.

I can't believe she would come to me though. An Ex-Gray Warden, Apostate…possessed Mage. She's seen me lose control. She saw my almost murder that poor girl, but still she stayed. She didn't shrink back or strike out. She was there and she came after me. She still wanted me.

She the amazing woman that walked into my life looking for maps to the Deep Roads. The one place I swore I would never go again. But for her I did it, and I'd do it again.

Amazing is an inadequate word for her. She is everything. Caring, passionate, funny, smart, resourceful, strong, witty, and beautiful.

No I can never leave the one bright light in my life. She makes me feel like myself again. In some moments she chases Justice away and he fades away to the back of my mind.

I know I'll fight against Justice. I'll find another way to help the Mages. I can't go through with his…our plan. There has to be some other way. I can't lose her. A person can't live without their heart. She is my heart.

"I'll love you till the end."

* * *

**Title from the song "Trampoline" by Never Shout Never. **

**The last line is also from the song.**

**When I heard this song I immediately thought of Anders being with Hawke after Fenris left her.**


End file.
